Well, things have calmed down a hair from last week and I actually have time to breathe and make sense of last week’s chaos. Couple this with many in my world who have wondered where I have been. What I’ve been doing. You get the idea.
First off, it’s really nobody’s business, but I also believe in the power of myth and legend and if people really want to know what I’ve been doing, I will share. Build the Myth: Create a Legend.
Let’s rewind to the end of 2010. My wife and I lose our house the day AFTER Christmas. No joke, we got a big “Foreclosed” sign on our house. We tore it down, angrily, got to business, moved out. I worked on Holodad and had a great time in January. I got home and plunged into a vicious, self-loathing depression. I would get up every day, sit down at my computer and basically read email for three hours, try to get some actual work done and then give up, watch television, and basically feel sorry for myself. Not my best moment in life, really. I don’t want pity or anything here. I gave myself plenty of that.
Oh and everyone says to just go get a job. I really tried. I have applied to over 150 jobs since 2008 (based on about 2-5 apps a week for 2 years and then I just stopped trying). I have received many very well-crafted rejection letters. Couple this with the fact that I get ridiculously nervous at a job interview (it’s worse if I really want the job which I again proved on Monday, but, I digress). I couldn’t get a job at Burger King or McDonalds at minimum wage. One said I was over-qualified and one said they thought I would just leave once a better job came along. I can’t say I really disagreed with either of them, but at least they were honest!
Curiously, when you are broke, people avoid you and they rarely give you anything. Conversely, when you need nothing, everyone wants to give you things. This is the same philosophy behind supporting “winners” over “underdogs,” but I say root for the underdogs anyway. At least a couple now and then. Digression. Game. Set. Point.
Now, after a year with a roommate, things just get weird. My wife and I are way too used to doing our own thing however and whenever we want. Having a roommate adds a new dynamic to the mix – a third wheel. Sorry. I’ve known our roommate for years, but I don’t like to answer for myself in my home (whether mine or not). I have to do that in my professional life so it just angers me to do it in my home. I will do it for my wife, but not my roommate. She can be a bit of a mother hen, too. I really don’t like being “mommed.” Now you see the crux of the stress. It’s not her fault: she’s the same person she was a year ago. My perception has changed. Also, I’m an adult now I don’t take well to orders unless you are paying me.
Let’s move ahead to April. I start working for the ballpark to bring some cash. It’s not a lot of cash, but it is some cash. Now, I’m grumpy because I have a BA, can’t find a job, and I have to work selling beer for tips. It feels like high school. I am ambivalent, though because I hate the work and standing in one place for hours, but I like the money and Kerrie and I are able to afford a very much needed vacation at the end of the season.
Jonathan's Canon T2i DSLR
The entire summer, I shot maybe an hour of video. Total. Now how do I feel? Yeah, I put weird pressures on myself, but that’s almost completely unacceptable. Now its November and I pull the camera out and start taking it with me. I feel like I don’t even know how to shoot anymore, but its like riding a bicycle and it just comes right back. I remember why I got my DSLR in the first place. Why I build so much equipment (someday I’ll do an autobiographical retrospective with equipment I built as premise…). I begin following the boards and the tech and other things again. I start going to IFASA meetings again. Lo and behold, the much-desired jobs in the broadcast biz start popping up. I eagerly apply, concerned that a summer of inactivity will be considered bad. Well, it wasn’t totally inactive: built a tripod (yes, a tripod), a jib, a teleprompter, did some pro video, learned After Effects better (yes, I’ll show you some soon), applied for jobs with ASU, KUAT/NPR, and Channel 12 (that’s the government channel in Tucson), etc. I usually do a lot more than that. Look at my prior years when I was involved in 10-20 productions a year. My involvement went away. I just felt…blah.
Oh, also in November, my father went into surgery for a Quintuple Bypass! He’s doing great by the way. Now, it’s January. It’s a new year. Like many, I make lots of resolutions. I have also trimmed the list down. Last year, I quit smoking. Cold Turkey. I haven’t smoked since February 26, 2011. This year, after getting on a scale and weighing in at 235 juicy pounds, I’m doing my long morning walks which have become runs (can’t wait for warmer weather so I can ride my bike again), I’ve lost 12 pounds as of today since January 1, the diet is going really well, I have started shooting with a vengeance (I mean photos and video, of course!), and I’m making money at my stock video again. This year, I take myself more seriously as a professional. I even printed new business cards.
Jonathan's Electric Tiger Business Card
I’m still the same person. I still have the same fears and anxieties as before. I have not magically transformed. What I have done is become something better. Someone more. I feel like I am worthy of success and I’m ready to be successful. Maybe I wasn’t before. I realized it was time to give up on silly notions and focus on real work. While I know it won’t happen overnight, I think I expected it to. I am ready to work now. Very, very hard if necessary. I have been through the trial by fire and I have come out the other side like a phoenix (is that too melodramatic?).
Whether or not I get these jobs to which I’ve applied, I will still be very successful. If I don’t, then it’s “Back to Plan A” (Do Awesome and Amazing Things and Get Paid Ridiculously Well for Them!). Oh and I’m planning on getting down to less than 190 pounds. I haven’t been that thin since I was in my 20s! And Kerrie and I will get another house. We need it. I won’t be working the ballpark – it just took too much away from everything else and i can only focus on so many things at once. If I get one of the jobs, I will, of course, focus on that, but I won’t give up on my other projects or stop my workout routine. I will have more time for my fun projects that don’t pay, but that I do for me. You know, finish that big Steampunk Spaghetti Western script everyone’s been asking about.
Today’s awesome link: Top 10 Resolutions for Filmmakers for 2012.
